Tonight, I had the pleasure I witnessing a true legacy perform onstage. Barbara Streisand. A woman who has made a career out of being herself, knowing what she wants and never wavering. She is an original feminist. A loud Democrat. Phenomenal singer. Effervescent.
Truthfully, I didn’t know much about her going into the show. I felt like, she was just one of those “must-see” acts in our lifetime. Barbara really truly was/is a must see. Her “show” was pretty simplistic. A screen lit up a few images behind her, an amazing orchestra, and her voice. Her big voice.
I sat through most of this show wondering if in her 50 years as a performer, if she ever felt like I do; questioning every move I make and wondering if it’s enough. Am I doing enough?
Something strange has happened lately; I’m trying very hard not to beat myself up over it. I’ve grown shy of getting onstage to perform stand up. It’s too difficult because every open mic I have my soul crushed by other comics that don't care about anything anyone else is saying onstage. There is no comradery, no support, no fun. And I question why I am putting myself through this kind of lukewarm torture. I am letting myself settle into the things I know and understand--creating radio and working on my voice over business because it’s easy and comfortable and I’m successful at those things.
I sat through the show wondering if Barbara too, ever felt terrified of the very thing she wanted to do. If she ever questioned why she is doing it. Because I am terrified. I lost sight of what exactly my end goals are. I don’t know what I’m doing and I’d like a hole to crawl into now. Preferably close enough for pizza delivery but far enough away that no one would willingly make the trek out, even on a Sunday morning with no traffic.
But, after her show, I felt so inspired by her stories of her career that I came home and wrote 4 new stand up bits and several more jokes. The months of writer’s block...gone! I didn’t for one second wonder “Why are you writing this?” I just did what felt good and made me happy to stay awake until 2:30 am.
Are the jokes any good? I don’t know. I’ll try them out at an open mic next week. I’d even stretch to say I’m excited to try them out. The problem really is, I just forgot what the hell this is all for. Why do I want to perform stand up? What’s the end goal? How are any of the things I’m doing going to help me get there?
I just don’t know right now and that has to be okay. Is it the money? Hello no. None of this pays anything. Is it the fame? Maybe a little. Do I feel better when I've created something, inspired by a personal truth? Absolutely. The better part is when someone else connects with it. When someone says my words motivated them to do xyz...now THAT is the best feeling.
Can’t I just get paid to be creative? Can’t I just get paid to share my life and maybe help a few people along the way?
The answer is yes. I can. WIll performing stand up, writing sketches or hosting podcasts help with any of that? Maybe. I suppose. I don't know. But this is my path. No one else can pave it for me. These are the things that make me happy, albeit difficult sometimes. The heart ache, the self doubt, the endless curiousity, and painful uncovering of my past, the late nights, tough discussions and critiques….that’s the stuff you don’t see. What you see...is the finished product. The perfectly tailored 5 minute stand up bit. The 2 ½ minute sketch I wrote. The planned, inspirational blog post.
The point is, let’s stop beating ourselves up for living our lives. Not everyday is going to be the most focused, or full of creative genius writing, or great stand up sets. Barbara Streisand just got up every day and did what she loved. Whatever her passion project was that day. (You don’t become an EGOT winner without loving and doing lots of things!)
So to answer my own question, “Am I doing enough?” Most of the time, probably. Did Barbara ever have those feelings? I’d say most definitely. But she pushed through the doubt because she lived her life. Fully and passionately. We have to love life. Because, creativity is sparked by the people we are surrounded by. They can fuel your self discovery. Which may have been exactly what Barbra Streisand was saying this evening. “Be a person who needs people....For those are the luckiest people of all.”
From the Movie "Funny Girl" her signature song People
She had a mind reader, Babyface, Seth MacFarlane, and Jamie Foxx all join her onstage at some point, and I really thought to myself "Wow. Anything is possible." If you get a chance to see her perform, take it. She truly is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
