Of course, I am not a relationship expert. But, I sit here, single as ever, legs crossed, computer in my lap and writing to you that despite the ups and downs, I'm still open to every kind of relationship that lie ahead. And I encourage you to be as well. Hear me out oh precious guarded one...There is no man I have dated, that hasn't affected me in some way. Some good and others bad. One I moved across the state for, another I drove down the coast for to pick up because he was too drunk to get out of a situation. One I had to walk away from completely because I knew I couldn't give him the one thing he wanted. All have made me laugh, challenged my brain, and truly believed I was beautiful on the inside. "Then why the heck are you still single, Mags?"
First of all, single-hood, is nothing to be ashamed of. It may be a choice, or it may be because of a lack of choice. There is nothing to be ashamed of as a single person!
But, despite all the places I've lived and loved, Los Angeles is a beast all on its own. Add in the cell phone, social media and Tinder, and this is a recipe for all sorts of unexplored territory, let alone the feelings that come with them.
Oh, yeah. Feelings. I've had my fair share of those too. Not all good ones either. Jealousy. Anger. Disappointment. Loss. Grief. Love. Elation. Joy. Anticipation. Lust.
Los Angeles daters are so afraid to catch a case of the feels. The inability to admit vulnerability is mind blowing and disappointing. For a city that hosts aspiring actors, (supposed empathy inducers according to Meryl Streep) there is a lack of truth in our own emotions. We can own those, right? Admit that there is some lust, intrigue, serious crushin, and even a little jealousy or anger when desires aren't met the way we anticipate.
Good thing we are allowed to enjoy the full gambit of emotions!
Dating is difficult, no matter where you live and choose to love. Approach it with complete honesty in what you want and are looking for and it should be a really fun experience! The problem is, dating in Los Angeles, people are looking for the next best thing...always. A prevelant attitude is this:
Them: "Yeah, let's meet at this cool spot for coffee/a drink/dessert"And if you are lucky, they actually show up...
You: "Yay! Sounds good"
Them: "I'm just looking to meet people, really. I don't want anything too serious. Just some foolin' around."
You: (Trying not to be too vulnerable) "Yeah, me too. Friends and maybe benefits. Cool."
Fast forward 2 months later.
Them: "Cool. Thanks for the sexy time. I'll be busy this weekend with a very vague activity with people you've never heard me mention before."
You: "Oh...okay. This feels icky. Oh, cause I like you. And I want to be invited to said vague activity and meet your friends."
Them: "Yeah...um, I don't want to be monagomous. Sorry."
You: "ALL THE FEELINGS....OUCH THIS SUCKS!"
Most Angelinos brave enough to do so hate a dating story that sounds something like that. So the circle of guarded walls and hurting others (unintentionally) because you are hurt continues.
The only answer I can come up with...enjoy all the feels. Own them all. Sing when you are happy. Eat if you are sad. Go for a run when he/she plans a great date for you. Cry over a rom com until you run out of tissues when you experience jealousy or anger. Call a friend when he/she makes you feel excited! Call a friend when he/she makes you feel disappointed.
Look, pain should be some sort of a testament to the relationship you just experienced, no matter how you defined it. Doing away with it would be a shame. Some things are supposed to hurt. Bottling up and becoming angry with yourself for allowing some of the darker emotions to enter into your heart space is just making it more difficult to understand why things didn't work out. You were affected because your dating partner was awesome and you could see yourself with them in the future. Take away the good stuff. Leave the bad...then go enjoy some Ben & Jerry's for me.Being vulnerable is a part of dating. There is definite risk when you date. The downside is that sometimes you feel sad because the other (hopefully honest and vulnerable) person doesn't reciprocate the feelings.
On the flip side, giving that kind of news is also difficult, but doesn't mean that it can't be done respectfully. As long as both parties can walk away with dignity, then I'd say it was a successful dating experience, regardless of length of time together or weight of sadness when parting.
Date kindly. Date honestly. Date respectfully. And most importantly date with your heart on your sleeve. If nothing else, I promise, it makes for some excellent stories.
Happy
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