I am a codependent. This sentence from
my mouth has been 35 years in the making. And what that means, is
that I hide any and every emotion that isn't happy, or happy-related.
I stifle them. Shove them aside. Ignore them and let them rupture on
some poor unsuspecting person, typically my partner.
What happens, is I am incapable of
handling anything of my own, other than 'joy.' It's the only
acceptable emotion I was brought up with. But, it's not as if I'm
inept to what sadness, anger, or fear feel like. I just prefer to
handle it in other people. I am attracted to others that feel ALL THE
THINGS. I can solve those problems. I can solve those problems, for
you.
For as long as I can remember, people
have always said, “Wow, Maggi, you are always so happy!!” And when
I wasn't acting particularly elated, as folks are used to seeing,
they'd say things like “OH MY GOD WHAT”S WRONG?! Why aren't you
happy?!” I'd feel frustrated and isolate myself because, I felt,
fine. Just not, over-the-top, all Mickey-Mouse, hippity-skippy, kind
of happy.
The truth is: it was over compensation for the fact that I couldn't handle any other feeling. At all.
But here's what happens when you
realize you have this problem called codependency. All those feelings that you ignored
for the past 35 years, Maggi, have finally come to the surface. And
you can't, and won't for the sake of your recovery, ignore them. Or
stifle them. You have to white-knuckle through them. Which is so
awkward. It's hard. And let me tell you, it seems as if there isn't
enough Advil and Kleenex to help get through it.
I cry on jogs. I cry in the shower. I
cry when I'm driving. I cry when I'm eating. I cry because I
accomplished something. I cry because of cat videos. I cry because
I'm too angry to express how I feel. I cry like a baby because I
don't know how to get what I need. And it is frustrating when I
feel like I should have all of the tools to get what I emotionally
need, but can't figure out how to express that need.
I am a codependent, and I don't want to
be bubbling under the surface angry any more. So through therapy, and
some deep, emotional work, I am recognizing that all of these
feelings are just feelings. Not facts. Like clouds, the feelings will
pass.
On paper it seems so easy. In real
life, I'm a mess. When all of the past jealousies, hurts, fears,
set-backs, and angry feelings come toppling down on me like
Nickelodeon slime, I'm confused. I don't know which feeling is which.
I don't know how to handle them responsibly. So I just sit in my car
and cry. Or cry into my soup. Or let the shower wash away the tears.
So many tears.
I don't know how long this will last.
Hopefully not forever (fingers-crossed). And I pray, that as those
feelings become easier to discern, I will become better at learning
how to cope and ask for what I need to deal with them. Then those feelings can
pass, like a rainstorm always does, and hopefully, one of those times,
it'll leave a rainbow. (Yep, you guessed it, I cried just writing
this paragraph).
I picked Mary Lambert's "Secrets" because if you listen to the pre-chorus, she says "They tell us from the time we're young/ To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves/Inside ourselves"
This couldn't be more accurate. I'm feeling all the feels. And for the first time, that is ok!
