Emotions And The Art Of White-Knuckling Through Them

I am a codependent. This sentence from my mouth has been 35 years in the making. And what that means, is that I hide any and every emotion that isn't happy, or happy-related. I stifle them. Shove them aside. Ignore them and let them rupture on some poor unsuspecting person, typically my partner.

What happens, is I am incapable of handling anything of my own, other than 'joy.' It's the only acceptable emotion I was brought up with. But, it's not as if I'm inept to what sadness, anger, or fear feel like. I just prefer to handle it in other people. I am attracted to others that feel ALL THE THINGS. I can solve those problems. I can solve those problems, for you.

For as long as I can remember, people have always said, “Wow, Maggi, you are always so happy!!” And when I wasn't acting particularly elated, as folks are used to seeing, they'd say things like “OH MY GOD WHAT”S WRONG?! Why aren't you happy?!” I'd feel frustrated and isolate myself because, I felt, fine. Just not, over-the-top, all Mickey-Mouse, hippity-skippy, kind of happy.

The truth is: it was over compensation for the fact that I couldn't handle any other feeling. At all.

But here's what happens when you realize you have this problem called codependency. All those feelings that you ignored for the past 35 years, Maggi, have finally come to the surface. And you can't, and won't for the sake of your recovery, ignore them. Or stifle them. You have to white-knuckle through them. Which is so awkward. It's hard. And let me tell you, it seems as if there isn't enough Advil and Kleenex to help get through it.

I cry on jogs. I cry in the shower. I cry when I'm driving. I cry when I'm eating. I cry because I accomplished something. I cry because of cat videos. I cry because I'm too angry to express how I feel. I cry like a baby because I don't know how to get what I need. And it is frustrating when I feel like I should have all of the tools to get what I emotionally need, but can't figure out how to express that need.

I am a codependent, and I don't want to be bubbling under the surface angry any more. So through therapy, and some deep, emotional work, I am recognizing that all of these feelings are just feelings. Not facts. Like clouds, the feelings will pass.

On paper it seems so easy. In real life, I'm a mess. When all of the past jealousies, hurts, fears, set-backs, and angry feelings come toppling down on me like Nickelodeon slime, I'm confused. I don't know which feeling is which. I don't know how to handle them responsibly. So I just sit in my car and cry. Or cry into my soup. Or let the shower wash away the tears. So many tears.

I don't know how long this will last. Hopefully not forever (fingers-crossed). And I pray, that as those feelings become easier to discern, I will become better at learning how to cope and ask for what I need to deal with them. Then those feelings can pass, like a rainstorm always does, and hopefully, one of those times, it'll leave a rainbow. (Yep, you guessed it, I cried just writing this paragraph).

I picked Mary Lambert's "Secrets" because if you listen to the pre-chorus, she says "They tell us from the time we're young/ To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves/Inside ourselves"

This couldn't be more accurate. I'm feeling all the feels. And for the first time, that is ok!