Mother's Day For A Birthmom

Today, is Mother’s Day. It is the hardest day of the year for me because, eleven years ago, I made the toughest choice about what to do with my unplanned pregnancy. I gave my unborn daughter a fighting chance.  I placed her for adoption into the arms of a family that could give her the kind of love I knew I was not ready to give.

My father just called to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Because he recognizes that although I do not ‘mother’ my daughter every day, I do have to live with that choice. I lie every time a stranger asks if I have kids, yet. It’s too complicated to explain for small talk. I lie with an obedient, agreeing smile when my coworkers say “You’ll want them some day.” I’ve lied on first dates, hiding this amazing truth, that I’ve brought life into this world, even if it wasn’t on purpose.

Today, is Mother’s Day. I haven’t talked to my own mother since September. We stopped conversation because I disagreed with her on Facebook. My mother is a narcissist. And today is the hardest day of the year, because I will never get the validation from her that, I too, am a mother. I may not have sacrificed my one and only afternoon this week on the couch to watch my favorite movie so that I can take my daughter to soccer practice.  I may not have spent my last dollars for her school supplies while I desperately need a new pair of shoes. I may not have had the heart ache of holding my daughter while she cries because of bullies at school. But that doesn’t mean I don’t count today.

I DO count today. I sit back on Facebook, looking for and loving EVERY picture her family posts online. I visit as much as I can and go take tours of her school. I write letters. I write blogs helping other women, or mainly just myself, get through the pain of being a mom-on-the-side. I may not be a conventional mom, but that doesn’t mean I don’t belong in this group.

I made a choice I don’t think my own mother could have made. Selflessness is not something that comes easy to her. We may not be speaking, and that is okay. I sent flowers and a little note, because to me, she gave me life. She taught me right from wrong. She hammered in the importance of working hard for what you want, and how to be independent. And for a lot of who I am, I thank her for.  It is only now, in my 30’s that I recognize she taught me those things so early on, because she did not want me to need her for much of anything.

But, we are all human, and we all need validation. I must remember that she is a narcissist and will never give that to me. As I heal, I will learn that that is okay because she is who she is and after all, she gave me the privilege of this life.

Thank you mom for the sacrifices you made. I know it must have been difficult. But I turned out okay, and made the right choice, for me, when it came time to stare motherhood in the face.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the women with children in their lives.